i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Randomize
