I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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