she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
