He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize