Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
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I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
How does one acquire holy water?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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