Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
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