It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
