If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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