if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
