The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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