I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
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She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
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I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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