You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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