the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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