why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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