No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
