I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
