My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
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Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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