And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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