I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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