whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
