i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
