If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
