He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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