just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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