My cat gives me a boner
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
