I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
