I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
