If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
