Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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