when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
