I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
