We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
