no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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