Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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