I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
