So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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