I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
