I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
