Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
