Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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