Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
