her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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