You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
