I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
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He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
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I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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