just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
