i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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