Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
too bad you live with your parents still
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
