Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
