I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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