I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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