Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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