foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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