My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
