Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
