when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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