Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
