nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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