i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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