I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
