i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
