Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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